Bring Your Own Sunshine

2007-06-10T19:21:00.000-05:00

So I am a complete slacker. Last post- 2/23/07 today's date 6/10/07-- oops!

Things have been good mostly just day to day life going on. Adam and I got back from Africa on the 28th or was it the 29th? Anyway. We really had a great time we went with a team of 32 from UBC and in conjunction with Baylor which took at group of 91 total. Adam and I lead half of the UBC team and Ben & Jamie the other group. I was really happy with the team we had they all got along and worked hard and tried not to complain. For me it was great to be able to put faces with names of these people we have been working with for 2 years now.

I took over 900 pictures while I was there - and probably could have taken even more. I felt as though we were there for a long time but on the way back it seemed as though we had only been gone a short time. It took me about a week to readjust to eating food here at home - it was rough but I am happy to report that all is finally well!! We are excited to think about going back next year. We have lots of stories (and pictures) to share, whenever you have the time!

UBC garage sale is next weekend so our week will be full of that- and then we are going to get a fence up soon in the backyard so the Winston can have some free space to run and I will no longer have to worry if the neighbors are outside before I take Winston outside!

2007-02-23T09:24:00.000-06:00

So in the past few days I have come to the conclusion that I am a liar. Everyone will ask me, how are you? and I lie and say "oh, I'm fine, how are you?" Liar.

The truth is I am not fine, I am what could be described as an emotional train wreck. I am very angry, on edge, tired beyond belief, sad, slightly depressed, grateful, relieved, dumbfounded, exasperated and the list goes on.

This could be one of the worst weeks ever- if the show on VH1 was the worst week ever, you could bet your butt Adam & I would be on it this week.

On Tuesday afternoon, we arrived home to find our back door busted in. One of my biggest fears was now reality and my place of home, my place of safety had been invaded. I froze pointed and just said "door" Adam rushed in and once I heard Winston was ok I ran to the neighbor's house. My house had been raped- invaded, torn up-side down ~ my beautiful home that I and my husband WORKED hard to get, that sometimes go into the red to afford!

All they took, my camera. Which at first doesn't sound that bad. But this is my on the side, help to make ends meet or pay for unexpected expenses, money maker. (which I am actually still paying for) This was my, something I do ~ this is my life outside of work.

Thanks to great friends that are more like extended family we have fixed the door put new sheets on the bed, had safe place to sleep the first night and someone we trust to stay with Winston during the day.

I found out yesterday that the insurance company will only give me $500 for the camera because I used it for business purposes. The total value of all the took was around $1500-$1700. I am partly to blame that I don't have the serial number, in part because they even took the box that I got the camera in!

I spent part of yesterday trying to call pawn shops in Waco, only to be told that I would have to get a copy of my police report then come to each shop and then talk to management and be able to prove with out a shadow of doubt that the camera they had was mine.

Why is it that in this town it is easier for the bad guy- to steal, pawn, or sell your things- the things you actually worked for then it is for you to actually relocate those things? Now I know why there are so many pawn shops in Waco. The whole thing makes we want to vomit.

Also thanks to you, mr or miss or ms robber I can't sleep all the way through the night; I wake up when I hear a noise and try to hold my breath so I can figure out exactly what the noise is, without my breathing getting in the way. You have made me doubt the goodness of people, caused me to suspect things of people, you have made me angry which is not exactly good for a marriage nor my health.

On top of this my mother is now going to need surgery on her knee and I may need to go home to be with the fam. My sister is taking a trip to Germany for about 2wks, which will be fun for her and she could use some fun but will of course have me worried until she gets back. I have 2 weddings scheduled for this season and that brings along a whole other level of worry.

Not since October of 2005 have I ever been so angry, have I questioned why so many times, have I played the events of that morning in my head over and over finding all my faults and trying to figure out what could I have done different, could I have known, could I have paid more attention. One thing is for sure that the scar of this will also stay fresh, will also be open for a quick recall much like the one from October - it will continue me to question God and the fact that we live in a chaotic world where we have free will and why it is fair that people get to use their free will to make the lives of others suck. And it will continue to make me a liar by saying "I'm fine" because I am southern and that is what you do.

2007-01-02T13:03:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!

Today, I am back at work after a nice long break. So long that I was ready to be back at work, so nice that today at work I'm so bored and can hardly keep my eyes open.

Adam officially graduated and we survived the "attack of the parents" as Jen likes to call it. It was not to bad because both sets of parents got hotel rooms.

For Christmas, we decided to stay in Waco. After being surrounded by family for graduation, we thought it best to just stay home this year. Although I admit that Christmas really didn't feel like Christmas at all to me. Maybe it is because we slept until we wanted to get up rather than having to get up really early, and we ate normal amounts of food instead of massive amounts!

But the week between Christmas and New Year's was full of lots of sleeping in, shopping, finally building adam's desk and working on children's church/sunday school stuff. We bought a new dining room table from World Market (it was half off- way too good a deal to pass up).

For New Year Eve we had some friends over, it was nice and low-key and Winston didn't do too bad, although I think he handled his first meeting with a kid pretty well-- I think he was amazed that people could be that small. Speaking of Winston he got this strange purple squeaky toy for Christmas and he loves this thing ~ he is captivated by it, I call it Big Purple.

New Year's Day we had dinner with friends at Tom, Craig & Drew's place. Beth & Tom went all out and there was a ton of yummy veggies, it was great and helped us to remember why we decided to call Waco our home.

2006-12-12T16:14:00.000-06:00

This is one of my favorite times of the year- the Thanksgiving-Christmas stretch of time. Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday, because it has become one of my more relaxed holidays. This year we had a small crowd at our house but there was still way too much food. I feel like this year time has gone much faster than last ~ I still have so many things to get done and no time to do them.

Adam graduates in 3 days! I can't believe that his seminary journey is coming to a close. We have been waiting so long for this and now it is here. The families are coming in to celebrate; therefore, this will be the first Christmas since moving to Texas that we will not be making the long trip home.

With graduation and now our first Christmas in Texas with just the 2 of us - I feel we are breaking lots of new ground.

My new job is going really well and I have had several moments were I felt reaffirmed in my decision to make the change. The type of work is very different from what I was doing before so I still feel somewhat like a fish out of water ~ but it's a work in progress and hey, at least my office is cool!

Adam and I have decided to go to Africa in the spring for a few weeks. We are going to go with UBC and be team leaders which is another word for "adult". We are both excited about it and I am really looking forward to this once in a lifetime experience.

My sister Jennifer came for a visit, it was great to see her and go shopping! I had forgotten how much I miss having girls to do that kind of stuff with...

well guess that's it for now

2006-11-02T17:51:00.000-06:00

I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE MY NEW JOB!!!

2006-10-31T19:10:00.000-06:00

Old habits die hard- and once again it has been over a month since my last post. Today was the end of a journey for me and the beginning of a new one- today was my last day of work at the job I have been at for 3yrs. Thursday I will start a new job with Baylor University.

I am very excited about it- I think it will be a new challenge and just a great place to work. So today I said all of my goodbyes and turned in my keys- it still feels sort of strange but I think it will all settle in once I don't have to get up in the morning and go to work there anymore.

I know that I have said this over and over- but I am amazed at how time works- how quickly it passes in lump sum but the parts of the whole go slowly. I think about myself this time last year, about my friends this time last year, and it is strange to think about how different and yet how the same things are. The scars that are on our hearts help us to remember the past- the funny thing about scars is that sometimes even though they have been "healed up" just looking at them sometimes brings back the pain.

I went to the cemetery at lunch yesterday and did some of Kyle's favorite things- I sat outside enjoyed the sights and sounds around me, I ate and I read. It was nice, and in that moment to know that we are now going to be calling Waco home for a bit longer felt really good.

Happy Halloween kids!

Life..

2006-09-15T18:14:00.000-05:00

So life has been happening. I have several things on my mind right now- main one is my current employment status. The whole thing reminds me of that song from the 80's that says "should I stay or should I go now.." Either way for me in the situation there could be "trouble"

1. I run the risk of going crazy if I stay
2. I run the risk of putting us in a much much tighter financial situation if I go

Anyway, so I did apply for something new- but it may be more of just wishful thinking - I am trying to just stay indifferent in hopes not to let myself down if it all falls through.

None the less, it is an understatement to say I have been a little stressed.

I have taken on a role of planning children's Sunday school at church- and actually have found myself getting way more into it than I thought I would. The hardest part has been trying to find ways to teach our kids differently (to some extent) than we were taught, in hopes that they get a different view of church than some of us did- but I think we are making strides in the right direction.

Last weekend I bought a really awesome antique mirror from the Girl Next Door-- and I love it!

Guess that's it for now

some picture

2006-08-18T18:56:00.000-05:00

Vacation-- all I ever wanted

2006-08-17T19:51:00.000-05:00

We are back from our vacation- and it sucks to be back in reality and sucks to be back in this Texas heat. Our trip was really great besides having to throw out my perfume and contact solution- and our bags being left in Atlanta for a while and the goofy customer "service" people at Delta.

Because of our lost bags we had to forgo Charlottesville- because we ended up waiting 4hrs in the Richmond airport- but I was at least able to get some work done- and did some people watching. So after waiting we decided to venture on to our hotel in Maryland and go on a target shopping spree for clothes for the next few days.

The next day was spent walking around D.C. - it was my first trip and I loved it, I had a great time- we saw all the tourist things and ate some different foods and got to see our friend Katie- I think I could live there.

Saturday we got up drove back to Richmond and picked up our luggage and then drove to Williamsburg to see our new niece Gabriella-- she is so freaking cute-- we spent the next 2 days hanging out there with my sister LouAnne and her husband Brian and my other sister Jennifer-- it was so great to see them.

Then Monday - my 25th birthday- we drove to the outer banks. I love love love the beach- the way the sand feels, the way the ocean sounds and the salty air smells and how the water feels splashing on my legs- so we hung out on the beach for the next day and a half-- the perfect birthday gift!

Sadly today back to work- complete with all the crazies! and looking forward to my next day off- whenever that will be.

Aunt & Ants

2006-07-25T19:07:00.000-05:00

In happy news I became an aunt on Sunday! My new niece, well first and only niece I have, was born in Williamsburg, VA. Her name is Gabriella Marie Sexton and she was 5lbs and some ounces and 18inches long- according to my mom. I am excited- we are going to go see them in a few weeks.

Also speaking of ants- I have come to the realization that I am indeed a magnet for ants- they love me and they love biting me.

2006-07-18T19:05:00.000-05:00

So Sunday was our first Sunday back in our church since October. I have been up to the church several times since October- mostly in the last month to help with clean-up from construction. But this was a Sunday- and everyone was there- life had entered the building in full force with excitement and hesitation.

I found myself taking a deep breath at the door before entering- telling myself- here goes nothing. It almost felt like ripping a band-aid off- just plunging right back in. The building is so beautiful and some wonderful changes and updates have been made- the people are more beautiful than ever- bonded together by something only we can feel, but now trying to continue to struggle forward in our own lives as well as our ministry as a church.

I was in the nursery Sunday- with a whopping 16 kiddos! I was actually glad to be in there instead of service. Kids have a way of keeping you so busy you really don't think about what's going on around you. I can still so vividly recall the details of that October morning -- what I was wearing, lighting the candles in front of the baptistery- what conversations I had- I would be a complete fake if I said that I wasn't a little weirded out about sitting through a service in that room again.

It is an amazing thing that what was once broken can be pieced back together again in a new and fresh way- but what is more amazing is that what has changed is still the same. I find it somewhat impossible to even place into words what it feels like for me to walk down the halls of UBC now- it is almost dreamlike, there is a silent peace to it- like time has slowed down-- all I know is I am glad to be back even if it means dealing with emotions I thought I had long passed by.

Communion

2006-07-02T13:10:00.000-05:00

Today Adam and I, along with the Carney's served communion during service at UBC. I love serving communion- although sometimes I feel like I should workout before because my arms get tired while holding the plate/bowl/bread combo. Anyway....

I really enjoy serving communion because I feel like I am inviting everyone to come eat at my house- It is so exciting and almost emotional for me- to be able to offer something of such meaning to such a large group of people many of which are my friends whom I consider family- but also those I don't really know at all.

Having people over to my house is something I really enjoy- over for dinner is even better- there is something so beautiful about sharing my personal space with someone else, being able to serve them and make them feel at home. And, I, like Matt Singleton feel that lots of relationships develop over meals. This is why I love serving communion- for me it is like a smaller yet larger version of inviting someone into my home.

I also enjoy watching to see how people take communion- some people take large pieces of the bread while others barely any- how some couples come together and other separate- it is interesting to see how most people just keep taking from the one loaf even when there are 3 others- some people are big dunkers while others just dab. It is just such a great experience.

2006-06-25T17:33:00.000-05:00

I see that I have become a creature of habit- in that I blog rather irregularly. So here is another irregular post.

It has been so freakin hot here- at times there seems to be no way of finding comfort, other than seeking the glory of a public building or store that is very very well air conditioned only to be saddened by the fact that no you cannot stay there forever. I personally hate feeling sticky and sweaty and swollen so this leads to a higher water bill for us due to my need to constantly shower.

Adam and I went to Austin for our anniversary- we really had a great time. It was good for both of us to get away from Waco even if it was just for a short stint in time. We did lots of shopping and eating. My favorite place was this vegetarian restaurant- FINALLY! a place where I had lots of choices and they weren't all the house salad. And I got some white pants for work- which brings me half way to my goal of finding a white suit.

Last weekend I had another wedding- I just love weddings, seriously- maybe I just love love. Either way- it went really well and I have already finished the 1st draft of their album- mainly because it stormed that night and I couldn't sleep so I planned it all out in my head. I have also been thinking about finding some way to sell some of my other work (not of people's weddings work)- we'll see.

My other job was particularly stressful this week- I constantly find myself just drained at the end of the day and so frustrated that when I come home to my "happy place" it is hard to feel happy, hard to feel anything but just tired. This one lady I work with drives me insane- everything about this woman gets under my skin- there are times that I just want to push her or throw something at her. I know that this is partly what is wearing me out during the day. I have been there now at this job for almost 3yrs - for 3yrs this lady has been rubbing away at me like sand paper- and there is no end in site. She will never be let go and she is never reprimanded- I on the other hand will be called down in an instant because "you can handle it"

Patience was the first word I learned how to spell-- thanks mom. At this point I feel like patience is not rewarded- instead it has become partnered with frustration which of course I bring home with me every day at 5:30.

July 16th we officially get to return to our building for church. I am really looking forward to it- it will be a very happy day!

2006-06-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

our first hand at a yard sale together went pretty well, despite getting up way too early on a Saturday morning- everything else went ok. We got to meet some more of our neighbors and made more cash than I thought we would. The best thing was that everything we didn't sell went straight over to UBC for our garage sale there that takes place this up-coming weekend. So none of it had to come back into my house yay!!

Our friends Chris and Katie left this past week to jubilee in Georgia- that is work for Jubilee Partners and then in the fall they will move back to Missouri where Chris will finish school -- we had a very difficult time saying "see you later" but are hopeful that our time will pass quickly between now and next visit.

Our church should be back in our building soon which is exciting- and a long time coming. I got a chance to look around in there last weekend when we took our left over yard sale items buy- I found myself very overwhelmed. Things are the same yet very different- I think in a way it felt like ripping a band-aid off. I have not been back into the church since I went one afternoon to help Jana get nursery items out which was a very long time ago.

Part of me wanted to walk in and see everything the way I had remembered it and part of me (the part that loves home improvement shows) couldn't wait to see all the changes. It is beautiful- the same place- yet changed- vision that has come into realization. It may be hard to understand how a building could bring about such emotion. As difficult as it can be at times to be in a place even a beautiful place- once there cleaning the walls and sweeping huge piles of dust away with those who share the same pain the same joy- it feels easily like home again- with family. I eagerly await the day our entire family can move back into our home on Dutton.

Adam and I have our 3rd anniversary this Wednesday. So to celebrate I took Friday off (my first day off all year) and we are going to spend part of the weekend in Austin- I am really looking forward to just getting away even if it is just for one night.

2006-05-15T18:12:00.000-05:00

This weekend I cut my hair- I donated it to locks of love-- I think I like it:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

At least this way the TX summer won't see quite as hot.

Planning for our yard sale is in full swing- the date is May 27th. I am hopeful that we will be able to pull in some extra cash. My closet looks like a work of art it is so clean-- definately happy.

The Magic Number

2006-04-23T14:32:00.000-05:00

There is a billboard I see everyday on my way home. It has the fairy godmother stating that the magic number is 4'9" -- until then kids should be in a booster seat. This makes me sad because if my parents had listened to that advise- would have been in a booster seat until about the 6th grade! how embarrassing

In other news, we have welcomed miss Klyee Addington into the world. I personally am so excited I have been waiting 9 whole months to see her- and she is as cute as can be. We went over yesterday to give Matt and Jennifer some company their own age and I gladly held Kylee for 2 hours so Jen could get a breather.

We rushed Winston to the vet on Saturday morning. He had been not himself all week but then Saturday morning he was pitifully sick- so after he got sick in the kitchen floor we ran him to the vet. Turns out that he has something similar to Giardia (which is what humans get from drinking contaminated ground water). Anyway so he has a few medications for the next few days and then all should be fine, he is already a bit spunkier.

Winston is also officially a "graduate" of obedience school- I really think as long as you have paid for the class your dog gets to graduate. He has learned some things- but the best part was getting to take a picture of him in the little graduation hat!

Adam and I are planning a yard sell. Since we are need in some extra cash flow we are noticing that we have plenty of things that can be of better use to someone else-I am actually excited about it- because I hate clutter. I really can't stand having just extra junk around- I think it stems from my childhood- can I get an amen sisters?!

I feel like I have been working alot lately. It used to be my weekends were work free but now I have work to do on the weekends with photography stuff- which is wonderful and something that I really enjoy- especially when I can help capture memories for other people. But my real job has been stressful lately- I am really ready for a mini-break, maybe next weekend when we do the global night commute.

Not sure that I am really ready to spend the night outside in a Texas "Spring" but it is for a great cause and is sure to be a thing of pure beauty.

www.invisiblechildren.com

Candid Camera

2006-04-15T09:17:00.000-05:00

Usually several times a week while at work- I get the feeling I am on candid camera. Sometimes, I even find myself looking for the hidden camera. Is it in the air vent, the fake plant in the corner...

But lately I find that this feeling has carried its way over into my personal life. It all started 2 weekends ago. I was going to Dallas to do a wedding. Adam and I thought we would just make a day out of the trip.

1st snafu- one wrong turn- we end up way off base from our 1st planned destination.
2nd snafu- after skipping our 1st destination due to now lack of time- half to our second destination (IKEA- to look for tables) I realize I have left my flash at home approx. 1.5 hrs away- and it is a night wedding! This results in us having to purchase a $200 flash at the drop of a hat.
3rd snafu- the wedding runs late- like an hour or so late- meaning we leave Dallas and hour or so later than planned.
4th snafu- a computer glitch causes me to temporarily loose about 150 pictures from above said wedding- but I didn't find this out until the Monday after the wedding and after I deleted my disks to take pictures at my dog's 1st birthday party- Monday night- I came pretty close to having a breakdown resulting in eyes to swollen the next day to wear contacts. (luckily I married a very smart man and all 150 were recovered flawlessly)
5th snafu- I managed to double pay the mortgage- I paid it Saturday only to return on Monday to see that it wasn't recorded as paid- so I thought- I must not have selected the dates to pay- and repaid it. -- the double payment not discovered until days later - of course overdrafting my account - however was able to get reversed thanks to good customer service.
6th and most recent- I have now been told by the mortgage place that we owe 1300 dollars by June 1st or our monthly payment will go up $200! Of course none of their reasoning makes sense- so on my one half a day off- first time off I have had all year, I am forced to try to find someone that has a brain that can show me my account history for the past 2yrs - and of course it is Friday and they are all out of the office!
I mean, really- what? I keep saying, well it could be worse- of course every time I say that something else pops up. and let's face it - I am a worry-wort. I stay stressed out when things like this happen because I automatically assume they are my fault- I should have been more aware or more prepared or smarter, I should have just know- why didn't I prevent this. So thanks Wells Fargo and candid camera for making my half a day off and weekend the most relaxing ever!

2006-04-08T17:57:00.000-05:00

I love this time of year- everything is such a bright green and full of life. When I come home for lunch everyday- it gets a little harder to go back to work. My gladiolus are blooming in the backyard which makes me happy.

Winston had a good birthday- lots of new toys and treats to indulge in. Adam and I finally broke down and bought a coffee table and looked at maybe a new dining room table from IKEA. We'll have to wait a bit before purchasing the dining table- but I am excited about it- because it has 2 leaves in it!

Last night we went to "Brazos Nights" to see Billy Joe Shaver & Jack Ingram. I am a people-watcher so I did more of that than listening to music. Let me tell you- there was more entertainment there last night than a cat fight in a high school parking lot! There was an old woman who was wearing daisy-dukes (old like 65), many many mullets, a 10yr old and 45yr old wearing the same jean skirt, guys in dress shirts with cut off sleeves and so much more!

And public notice to all older women- bras are not optional clothing once you turn a certain age!

Who made the decision that we are supposed to stand to sing during church? I find this strange- is it just so people can feel free to wonder if need be to the restroom or to speak to a friend? It's strange.
And who got to choose what colors mean- who was the first to say- red means stop?

rambling- what i do best

2006-03-26T15:28:00.000-06:00

So, I have become a vegetarian- I haven't had meat since December and hadn't really had much meat up until that one meal in December. People are always curious as to why- it originally started with us just excluding red meat from our diet - and then just turned to all meat- since we weren't eating much of it anyway. And so we come to point we are at now- where we eat lots of veggies and fruit and mostly organic. I've never been grossed out by others eating meat or even seeing meat. My friend Tracey who is also a veggie- can't even stand to look at the cattle trucks on the highway. And for me yesterday was the first time I have ever looked a cattle truck and actually felt really sad for the cows inside.

My photography business is starting to pick up which is exciting. I am also excited that blue bonnets will be appearing in random place soon. Winston will be turning 1 on April 3rd- so yep- I am throwing him a party. First I just love to have parties and having another excuse to have friends over the hang out is good for me- plus I just thought it would be fun.

Terry Esau came to speak at UBC today- it was probably one of the more difficult services I have sat through in a while. It was somewhat painfully healing- sometimes I find myself just not ready to talk about kyle's death in a real way- I want to leave it in the back of my mind- instead of in the front. Terry's words were beautiful and even more meaningful because he was there that day in October. I find that when I do think about- I am still angry, confused and sad. I personally have never had such emotions linger for such a long duration. But today was nice to have someone speak to our family with complete honesty and a humble heart- meeting us where we are with our grief and not trying to dance around it. I am grateful.

If you haven't checked this out by now you should: kylesfilm.blogspot.com
and check out the trailer- true art, inspired vision- it's just lovely.

My Beef with Public Restrooms

2006-03-19T19:20:00.000-06:00

We have been having toilet issues at the house so I have been forced to use the dreaded public restroom alot more. I really hate public restrooms and try to avoid them at all costs. I have a bit of a germ issue, I never really noticed my issue with germs until I started working full time and owned my own space.

So here is my main issue with public restrooms-- the door. The door, what you use to enter and exit the room itself. Here is the thing- after I wash my hands the last thing I want to touch is the handle of the door to open it- for the simple fact that some people don't wash their hands! Now this could get me on another rant about how could someone not wash their hands but that's for another day.

Some places have it right where you have to PUSH the door to get out- therefore I can use my elbow or foot even to open the door and my freshly washed hands will remain feeling fresh for a bit longer. But then there are those places that have the door where you have to PULL to get out- sometimes they put a trash can near the door which is thoughtful because then I can use a papertowel to open the door.

Here is my theory: public restrooms should be like a hospital -- you don't want your surgeon after she/he washes their hands to touch a nasty door handle-- I think we should start a revolution- of demanding better bathroom doors! It really would cost that much- you just have to rehang the door with the hinges on the other side.

2006-02-18T14:33:00.000-06:00

I have a love/hate relationship with the weekend. Every Monday it is what I set my eye on and strive to get to- the weekend- aka days of freedom and maybe sleeping late! Remember the song "Everybody's workin' for the weekend"- well that's my theme song.
But then the weekend comes and it is filled with running around trying to get all my errands done and see all our friends and trying to sleep a bit later and then in one deep breath it is Monday again. I think if I work 40-45 hours a week- I should at least get half of another day in the weekend- we could call it Satunday-maybe.

Life has been moving on along. No matter how hard I tried I managed to pick up some sort of chest cold from either one of my students or one of our clients- so the past few nights have been restless and full of coughing to every part of my body ached. Adam thankfully was out of town for those two nights or he would have not gotten any sleep either. I guess all the hand sanitizer, multi-vitamins and clorox wipes in the world couldn't keep me safe- dangit!

I am about 4 pages away from completing my first wedding photo album- as a paid photographer. Excitement and nervousness are so intertwined at this point- I am not sure which I am more of.

My family had to put one of our dogs down yesterday. He was 10 years old and his name was Seagrave (he was a dalmatian and named after a type of firetruck- thought I might need to explain the not so common name). It is sad and I know was a difficult choice to make.

My grandpa called me on Thursday night-he's so cute. We signed Winston up for obedience lessons at petsmart- we start Monday.

I am loving this colder weather- I find it invigorating actually- when cold air fills your lungs and makes your cheeks rosy- and how much more like home your home fills when you come in from the cold into the warm embrace of home. love it!

2006-02-04T14:52:00.000-06:00

Life has been so busy lately. This time of year in the financial/retirement world can be a bit crazy- or at least at our office. I have had to do more accounting in the past week than I ever care to do in my life. The thing is I HATE math- and swore that I would never have a job that had anything to do with such evil. But life is full of surprises.

Time has passed so quickly- the months have seemed to just blur by. Where the hell did January go!? It almost feels like I have just been on a huge treadmill- running in place but going so fast, the surroundings are the same and yet different. anyway

Then today- we went to see Kyle. I haven't been in a long time. I am never over that way during the day, and today we were so we went. This time I felt more peaceful than last, more ok- still not ok- but more than before. And it was amazing to me how different time felt there. It was more still, more quite.

My friend, it has been months since I last came, and it all is still the same-- no grass has covered your grave, the trees look no bigger nor smaller, there is no more noise than before-- it felt so constant- just the same, I was different, but the surrounds felt untouched by time.

This time, I just cried a bit, a few silent tears- I am pretty sure I will always cry, because time- while fast and slow- can also be unfair.

2006-01-09T18:27:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling a bit out of control lately- not like the I'm going crazy out of control- just not in control. I like to be in control- I like order, neatness. This is evident by how it is harder for me to sleep at night when I know my house is a mess.

But lately, I just feel out of control in several aspects of my life. I find myself trying to wrangle myself back in- into control.

When I was little my sisters and I used to do this thing where we would stand in a doorway and press our arms against the frame of the door and count to 30 or something I think. Then when you were done - you step out of the doorway and try to put your arms down- only to find that they want to float back up on their own. The other night I lay in bed and felt as though my arms were just floating up on their own.

I am sure that I can pin point several logical reasons for this feeling- #1 is probably stress from my crazy job lately- but it all feels different this time. because I'm not in control- I guess I am more of a control freak than I like to admit- maybe I am just trying to hard to hang on instead of just letting go- or maybe I am just missing the point altogether.

Winston & Horton Family Photos

2005-12-27T21:53:00.000-06:00

I am a slacker

2005-12-27T19:01:00.000-06:00

It has officially been way over a month since my last post. I have just been way to busy/tired to even try to sit down and think about writing. So for now we will just hit up some highlights of the past month+

1. We had 21 people over for Thanksgiving- it was lots of fun - great food.

2. I have worked a bunch- mainly trying to get student schedules done for exam week, semester break and spring semester- all before the beginning of December -- in theory this should be easy- but not when you have 16 students- all slow as can be about getting your their class schedule

3. I have attempted to start reading more- which really anything is more than none- which is what I normally do.

4. We traveled home to NC for Christmas- the drive to my parents was 19hrs- we took Winston this year- which meant more pit stops. All in all he did really great on the trip both in the car and out of the car. We did Christmas at the Judy's on Monday night- my sister LouAnne revealed to us that she was pregnant! That is happy news- I love babies. I totally knew she was pregnant before I even saw her though- she can't figure out how I knew... I just did- she was all strange in her emails- and I am your sister hello! we just know these things.

we saw our friends Jackie and Nick for dinner Tuesday night- which was fun and just easy. I really appreciate just easy friends- those you don't have to work to be friends with- things just come naturally- it is great.

Wednesday we traveled to Adam's house in the mountains. Adam, Seth and I went to Asheville on Thursday for some shopping, good food and a movie at the fine arts theatre. We spent lots of time with family, and of course eating way way way too much. We went to Christmas Eve service on Saturday night- I have honestly never felt so sad on Christmas Eve. It was a struggle for me to sit through service and not cry. I wanted more than ever to just be in Waco with my UBC family- to not have to be so composed, to not have to answer a million how are you questions, to take communion when I was ready.. so many things. When we got back to Adam's parents- I just sat in our room in silence- just to be alone. And then I finally cried- a bit of sweet release.

We left early Monday morning to head to Waco- a welcome thought to me. It was snowing- it was beautiful- the white flakes in our headlights - and the soft puddles on the side of the road and laying on the mountain side.

5. Winston now has full run of the house, while we are home. He is already calmer and is really enjoying it.

6. I have my first wedding job this weekend- I am excited and nervous- and just hopeful all goes well.

That's it for now.

Detour

2005-11-11T17:39:00.000-06:00

Everyday this week on my way home- down 33rd- I've passed this detour sign. At first, I wasn't even sure what it was detouring someone from- because there was no evident construction or large pot hole or considerably harmful thing for me to see. After a few days I noticed that it was the alley way they were detouring us from- which in my mind aren't really for driving anyway. But nonetheless, everyday at least twice I day I see this bright orange sign: DETOUR

So, because I am a visual learner, this word- has been stuck in my head all week. And then I thought to myself- this is how I feel now- Detoured. Off of my original path. At first I was mad about it- because I like order and knowing and planning. None of the things that have unfolded in the past few weeks were in my plans.

Today, though on my way home for lunch- again I saw that stupid sign directing us away from the alley- and I thought- That is what life is- a series of detours. And for me right now, that is what living life to the fullest will just have to look like- following this detour to where ever it may lead me, and if it leads to another than following that one. But one thing is for sure it is impossible to go back to the place I was.

Love God, Embrace Beauty and Live Life to the Fullest

2005-11-04T21:33:00.000-06:00

Last Sunday, for the first time- I heard my heart break. It was a sound so loud and deafening, full of fury and full of weakness all at the same time. I felt sorrow run so deep- through my blood- to my bones.

I have replayed the events of Sunday morning- over and over in my head- daily. From the last time I saw Kyle, spoke to him- I can see myself lighting the candles in front of the baptistery- I can remember the way my heart raced so fast as I knew he needed help- to how slowly my legs seemed to move to get help, to do something. Then the call- the church empty- standing the hall- the awful news- and then my heart breaking and finding no will power to stand- but only to fall to the floor in tears.

The past few days- have been a roller coaster of emotions and a sea of confusion and at times an abundance of joy and thankfulness. Kyle Lake was a great pastor and a wonderful friend. His goofy laugh and infectious smile touched all that came in contact with him. We will miss you, but carry you in our hearts forever. Together our UBC family will push forward to continue to embrace the passion you had for life, for love, for God.

Here is the last part of Kyle's last sermon,exactly as he wrote it, he never got the chance to deliver it. But to me it is so perfect and amazingly beautiful:

Live. And Live Well.BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.Get knee-deep in a noveland LOSE track of time.If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own. If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.

** Please keep our church and more importantly Jen, Avery, Jude & Sutton in your prayers**

http://www.ubcwaco.org/

2005-10-27T21:38:00.000-05:00

What is it about fall that makes things go so quickly? I love this time of year- but I guess with all things there are the parts that aren't all colder weather and fall leaves. ... like for instance that everyone seems so rushed, are they just trying to keep warm or is it because as Americans that is what we think holidays are about- rushing around. And then there is the fact that I have to wear closed toed shoes because flip flops with a sweater is not always a great fashion statement- so then my feet get ugly- and now my skin and eyes are dry. But when I pair all of these things about fall against all the things about a Texas summer- I gladly take fall.

Work has officially started on the fence for our backyard. Since I came home one afternoon to find Adam in the backyard attacking our awful shed with a hammer and crow bar, the next afternoon I came home and the whole "walk-way" part of the shed was torn off. Of course after I finished saying "what the !" my next question was how in the world did you not hurt yourself doing all of that- and after he explained his brilliant method I felt better about the whole thing. Just with that section down- our yard already looks larger.

Gideon spoke at UBC on Sunday - his sermon was on Slow-fix Spirituality- but his description of family was so wonderfully accurate- you can go here to download it: http://www.ubcwaco.org/2004/sermons.html

2005-10-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a happy weekend. I feel like it has been a while since we have just had a happy weekend. The weather was great- in the non-fall, still warm but not too hot nor humid type of weather.

Friday night we went to coldstone- and they had pumpkin ice cream!- this is the beginning of happiness- I love love love pumpkin icecream- but what makes me love it even more- adding in chocolate chips! it is the best combination- just talking about it makes we want to go get some.

Saturday- got up early- went to take so engagement pictures for Candace & Scott, while Adam walked the Winster around campus. After that we went to Camille's for lunch, then to Kohl's where- a small miracle happened. I found a pair of brown cords that- fit! the length is great- they actually fit everywhere! There is no huge gap in the back because my butt is big- it is wonderful- I actually started jumping up and down in the dressing room. I am sure that the women waiting in line thought I had some mental disorder. And another great thing- was the size, so great-- more happiness.

Then we bought Winston so more toys- since he has torn up all the other ones he had- we got him some more plastic toys that he can't tear as easily. Then we went to the Baylor tailgate and then watch the movie "Crash" - which is a great movie that I feel everyone should see. And then Sunday- we went to UBC, then to lunch and then later we went back to campus, Adam played football and my friend Jennifer and I walked Winston yet again around campus. So he slept really good- which also makes me happy.

So here is to happy weekends- and happy days.

Kody, Chase and Blake

2005-10-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

2005-10-02T16:22:00.000-05:00

I really don't like going to the grocery store. If I could- I think I would avoid it at all costs. All the people there, with carts- not paying attention to anyone but themselves - bumping in to you, reaching over you or not moving out of the way at all. Drives me crazy!

Luckily, I married a guy who actually likes going to the grocery store. What a wonderful thing this is! But none the less I go with him, because I like for us to do household things together- like cooking and cleaning- it makes life happier. So we have to go to the store at odd hours- usually late on a Friday or Saturday night is a good time. And the best part- besides there not being alot of people there-- the ones that are there- very interesting. Like for instance, the couple we saw last night with a big cart and just 2 forties of some inexpensive beer. They were walking up and down the aisles- but never getting anything else.

We went to the zoo yesterday- now this is a very happy place. To me the zoo makes me feel like I am not in Waco. They just expanded the zoo and it has basically doubled in size. We went with Katie, Chris, thier mentee, Mike, and Rachel, good times.

My friend Heather had her 3rd little boy a few days ago- and I am officially a god mother for the 3rd time- his name is Chase and is cutie pie.

2005-09-25T16:28:00.000-05:00

I feel stuck. Almost as though my life is moving in slow motion while the rest of the world speeds past me. I am not sure if it is because the weather is still so hot, and all of the fall/winter things are out in the stores. Or if it is just the strangeness that came to pass with hurricane Rita and the great central Texas freak out of 2005- or if it is because the days of Monday through Friday consist of pretty much the same repetitive actions for me.

I may have even stated this before but, as a child I often wondered just it was possible that my parents managed to get up everyday and go to work- everyday. Now that I am an adult and working to support my family- I truly wonder it even more. Was it just the since of necessity or the since of duty? Were they truly doing what they wanted to do as far as a career? I wonder if they really ever had that moment where they were free to chase their dream.

I was asked to speak about my job experience this Sunday in our "other side" class. Which is a class for people on the other side of undergrad. This entire week I tried to be very intentional about seeing outside myself as well as reflecting inwardly- about my job- what I hated what I loved and why it has been so particularly hard for me to work there. Most of the feelings I have toward that place are hard to verbalize- they are intermingled with one another- they try to coexist in my heart and seem to tugging at one another. I begin to feel that I am somewhat numb now to the things I see that I disagree with or things that confuse and astound me. At times I wonder if the voice I had so strong in the beginning is hoarse now and tired. I have suppressed feelings and thoughts for the fear of burdening other people or seeming like a cry baby. I know that most people don't love their jobs and that there are much larger things in life that need my attention. Of course when it came time for me to become vulnerable in front of these people I have grown to know as family- I found it harder than ever and actually broke down. The wall that I had been struggling to hold up that was keeping my frustrations at bay - crumbled.

Time is in this case truly on my side, every day that passes- is another to be marked off the list. This experience has given me courage and grace in ways that I never knew existed and I am blessed to have a job that pays our bills and allows us to not constantly worry about our state of survival. So until it is time, I will continue to smile and nod as best I can and pray on a daily basis - that much like my parents God will help give me the strength to get up everyday and go to work everyday- until the time comes to be able to follow my dream and close this door to this chapter of life.

2005-09-18T15:34:00.000-05:00

I am eagerly awaiting cooler weather. Somewhere in my mind- I think if Fall comes then I can see more of the light at the end of the tunnel. While it is still a ways off- it becomes a small glimmer of hope- a sign of closure approaching. But it is still hot here and I mean hot not just slightly warm.

Fall is one of my favorites- the smells, the food, the friends. Just good memories.

Adam and I have been sort of stretching ourselves to lead more healthily lifestyles. We no longer eat red meat and rarely eat another meat. We have also tried to buy more organic foods, ask for paper at the store instead of plastic, conserve energy and even exercise more. It's not an easy adjustment- but it has been rather fulfilling. I find that we get several questioning looks from some of our friends and family. But overall I can tell a difference in us and it is a change for the better.

I ate my first sushi a few weeks ago- but just a veggie one- no fish. It was different and I was happy I took a risk in trying something new. We went to a Ranger's game last night with Tracey. It was fun, and we actually won so that made it even better. Next weekend I hope to start working on a desk for Adam- we bought an old door at the yard sell and I plan on converting it into a really cool desk- well hopefully.

I'll See You In September

2005-09-01T19:59:00.000-05:00

It is so hard to believe that time has passed so quickly and it is already September. I wish that Fall was actually going to come to central Texas this year- but just as in years past - I am afraid that I am in store for a big let down. Mainly because today on my way home from work at 5:30 it was 100.

I got a new camera lens last week it has a range of 55-200 which is nice for staying out of the way but getting a nice close shot. I was super excited and even had the perfect chance to use it- my sister's wedding in NC. At first I thought this was sure to be a stressful few days as we had to cram several things in and try to please both our friends and families. But it actually went rather smooth- just with very little sleep. The weather was an absolute dream and the wedding was really sweet- unfortunately my hair made me look somewhat like a dinosaur- but my hair wasn't the important thing anyway.

Adam and I got to go back to Raleigh- which was great because we haven't been back in over 2yrs. I love that place- so many great memories and it's a large city with a small town feel- my ideal. I also got to see my old college roomie- Charity as well as one of my best friends Jackie (and hubby Nick). I would pretty much drop everything and move back to Raleigh in a flash.

Winston is officially a little less of man today- or more like there just won't be any little Winston's. I am such a baby because I cried when we dropped him off at the vet this morning. I just had this vision of him being so scared and wondering why I had left him. I was miserable all day. At lunch, I cried because he wasn't here biting my toes and barking at me. But he is home now and doing great- just a bit slow- which is funny to watch when he tries to jump on the sofa or run. If I am this way with a dog - I can't imagine when I take our kids to school for the first time! yikes.

All the images we have been seeing from the hurricane are truly upsetting. It is at times like this you just ask why- and there is no answer. There are people being bussed all the way to Waco for shelter- and the thought of not being able to go home for months or wondering if you have a home - it is unreal to me. What is even more heartbreaking for me is that those left behind in the cities were mainly the poor- some were just the stubborn- but many just the poor. Those who couldn't afford to leave or had no where to go- and now they are at wits end, confused and so scared. And yet I feel like people are just staring at the TV saying "oh, how awful" but there is no action. It is hard to determine in my mind which is more tragic- the event or the lack of action.

2005-08-07T21:14:00.000-05:00

This past week, Adam's brother Seth has been visiting with us. It is sort of a mark in time I think. Because Seth came to visit with us when we first moved to Texas- before we had jobs or even bearings on where things were. And now he has come to see us again, and we are now settled- own a home, have a dog and a way of life here.

I have really noticed that having Seth around makes Adam more joyful than usual. It is amazing to me the way family can affect us. For some people it may not be joy that they feel when family is close- it could be anxiety or anger. The power that those who are tied to us by blood is greater than that of any other person- even if we don't realize it. I also find it so strange how sometimes family members inter-change roles. For instance, the one person in your family that was always the supportive one may now be the more aloof one. Or the father taking a more maternal role later in life. It just reminds me that nothing is stagnate- but everything is fluid and changing.

Work has been challenging lately, dealing with the older women that work there. It is just annoying that they can work the system so well with no repercussions from it. I just hired 5 new student works a little less than a month ago. That part is always stressful- we had so many people interview. Just when I finally feel confident in all 5 of my choices- one of my students comes to tell me Thursday will be her last day. She decided to take another job that she had interviewed for -- BEFORE she took the job with me. So I am of course catching all the flack from that.

I know that someday I'll be able to close the door on this segment of my life- and I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel- the staying focused part is the difficult part.

*side note: we went to San Antonio yesterday- I'll post some pics of a few Missions soon*

2005-07-09T17:31:00.000-05:00

It has been such a long time since my last post. Over a month! Yikes.

Adam and I took our trip to California this month. It was more wonderful than I imagined. Obvious by the fact I took somewhere around 90 pictures! While parts of the trip were without a doubt stressful- overall it was a great time. I think I fell in love with Cali' or at least the places we saw (Napa, San Fran, and parts off of California 1). The weather there was truly refreshing compared to this thick heat in TX.

Coming back to the real world was hard- but I missed Winston a bunch and was happy to see him. He has grown so much in such a small amount of time. He is proving to a handful, but worth it when he is sweet or does something super cute. One of his favorite things to do right now is run through the dining room and dive on to the "fur" rug in the living room so that is slides the rest of the way across the room. Then he gets up runs back to the kitchen to start all over-- it cracks me up.

Adam and I are trying to get back to the gym- we seriously slacked off when we got Winston. But it has taken it's toll and we are really needing to get back in shape. I in particular want to, because my sister's wedding is in August. And we all know how we girls feel about weddings and our looks.

Things are going well although everyday that I walk out to my car at 8:15am and it is 89 degrees already- I miss California. The next trip I want to take is to Maine- I hear it's beautiful there. I started my Digital Photography class this week. And I am the youngest one in there and the only one interested in a professional level of photography. But I think it will fun and at least something to keep my brain from melting away.

In other news, my parents just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary! So happy anniversary Mom and Dad - here is to another thrillingly wonderful 35+ years of marital bliss !!

2005-06-05T12:52:00.000-05:00

So his name is Winston- and is possibly one of the cutest puppies in the world. He's a fast learner and hasn't wrecked our house to much! He has kept us quite busy though the past week or so and I have not gotten nearly as much sleep as I would like or probably as much as I need.

I was bitten by some sort of Texas fire ant this week on my foot. Actually in 2 places, one on my pinky toe which seems to be fine and the one on my ankle-- which is a different story. It turned into this huge swollen red mob that not only itched but burned and actually made me sick to my stomach one night. All seems to be well now a few Benadryl and Hydrocortisone later.

Tuesday is our 2yr anniversary. To celebrate we both took the day off of work. Which is a small miracle at my job that I can just take the day off for the sake of taking a day off. But I am looking forward to it- we are going to try to make a trip to the Blue Bell Ice Cream creamery and then to Austin for the rest of the day. Of course depending if we can get someone to dog sit for us.

This afternoon I saw this homeless man walking with headphones on- and I couldn't help but wonder- what he was listening to - even to this very moment I just still thinking about it. Maybe I should have asked, but of course my human chicken side comes out and I know I would probably never ask. I find this troubling. This fear that is caused from what? This fear of other people- it was never intended for us to get to this point. Yet here we are.

2005-05-21T17:23:00.000-05:00

Adam and I are going to have a new member to our family!

We bought a puppy!!! He is a 2mnth old tri-colored Corgi. I am very excited because I have wanted a puppy for a long time. And because we got a good deal on him.

It has already been super hot here in TX so I am sure the summer will not be fun. Adam is going camping this weekend with our friend Chris. I know he was pumped to go - since I don't exactly camp very well. Just not my thing- must have been bad childhood experiences or something. However, they just happened to go on the weekend it is supposed to be 97. At least there aren't bears in Texas.

I have had an interesting week at work. I think most of it was self-inflected. My friend Cayce had her last day with us on Friday. She is moving on to bigger and better things in Dallas. It was bittersweet for me- she is such a great friend- probably my best gal friend in Waco. Saying goodbye is always hard, but knowing she won't be there to help me stay sane at work- makes it harder.

Always Moving Forward- Never in Reverse

2005-04-28T18:16:00.000-05:00

So - obviously it has been a while. Haven't really felt like posting- guess not much to say. Work was crazy for bit with people trying to get things done before tax season ended. And we are also in the middle of a remodel and we just hired 2 new staff. So my time has been filled with interviews, phone calls, moving things, trying to avoid getting dust all over every piece of nice clothing I own and of course the daily things I just "love" about my job. But in all it is running fairly smooth.

A couple of things I am looking forward to or am completely excited about are:

#1: Adam and I are taking a vacation to northern California this June
#2: Thanks to my sis- I have my first published photograph!!
#3: I am taking a continuing education class 2nd summer session- trying to keep my brain from withering away.
#4: Adam is almost done with school!!!

2005-03-27T13:26:00.000-06:00

I am continually amazed at how quickly time passes. It seems like just yesterday that we were heading home for Christmas and I was contemplating all the baggage that comes along with the holiday season. And now it is Easter.

I have always loved Christmas time. The warmth of the season- people always seem more friendly and loving. I know that along with Christmas comes a trip home to see people and places I haven't seen in a while. There are so many things I like about Christmas time that I can't even write them all down. Yet the season always comes with extra baggage from seasons past- family things and the feeling that so much has to be done.

But I now have a greater appreciation for Easter. Since I can remember, it seems that Easter was always about the candy, clothes, sun rise service and lunch. However in the past few years when it has just been Adam and I- my feelings for Easter have changed. It now is more of a peaceful holiday- no new clothes, no bunnies or even candy- it is more simplified, in my mind the way it should be. It is celebratory, reassuring and still- a breath of fresh air in a world where there is little fresh air to be had. No baggage.

Happy Easter.

2005-03-07T20:53:00.000-06:00

I have recently come to a realization concerning my job.

It has not come easy.

For a while now I have thought of myself as paving the way for those who will come after me and as a voice for those of us currently working there. Until Friday.

I have stood up against my bosses, challenged their views and called them out on things numerous times- so many that I have lost count. And I have only been there 18 months. Friday -- I reached my breaking point. I have made little to no headway at this place and to think that I could even begin to break down some of the 20yr barriers at that place was foolish of me. So I have resigned myself to just making it through my remaining time- to simply co-exist and pray constantly for peace, patience and strength within myself. I'm turning in my gloves.

I hope now that I had made this choice that time will pass quickly and that I will neither get an ulcer nor have an emotional break down. I am almost positive that things will not get easier but when it comes down to it-- I need this job and fighting for the "right" of the employed is becoming too risky.

2005-02-25T19:30:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been trying to focus more on the beauty of life, words and the things that sometimes go unnoticed. Just trying to make an effort to be more reflective, more aware.

Things like :

The flower man-- he is a man that earns his living selling flowers (that he pulled from the dumpster of a florist) to passing cars on the corner of Waco Dr. and 17th. If you smile at him he responds with the most joyous and warm smile and if his hands aren't full- a wave. The other night on our way home from the gym there was a truck broken down near his corner. As we waited for the light to change- I heard him go up to the people peering into the hood of the truck and say- "Here I have a flashlight with me"-- that is beautiful.

2 old women driving a pimped out bright yellow Mazda 20 miles per hour in a 35-- beautiful ( and rather funny, while frustrating- the speed limit is 35)

the beauty of music how the words and melody are someone's expressions
the miracle of medicine and how is saved a life of a friend's small child this week
how much nicer the elevator ride is when the person next to you wants to talk
the wonderful voice of someone you love

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace

Where there is hatred, let me sow love,

Where there is injury, pardon

Where there is dout, faith,

Where there is despair, hope

Where there is darkness, light

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much

seek to be consoled as to console,

Not so much to be understood as to understand,

Not so much to be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

It is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

-- St. Frances of Assisi

May you seek to see more beauty today-

2005-02-17T21:24:00.000-06:00

I wish I had more to say... Life has been relatively uneventful. Or as my dad would always say "Same ole crap, different day" or something to that effect.

Adam's birthday went well- all of my secret planning paid off with a big surprise. I am glad it is over so I no longer have to feel like I am lying to him about things. V-Day was rather calm for us- celebrated early with a nice dinner on Saturday night at 1424- (which was so wonderful it deserves a moment of silence in honor)........... well done, then we went to see Sideways. It was good rather funny I thought.

Something slightly entertaining is that Adam and I just took this quiz that tells you how old you really are--- I was 30 ----- he was------ 17.

In other great news of new, I finally bleached our bathroom floor ( it is white tile - small white tile- and has never seemed white enough, or clean enough since the guy came to put up the crown molding in there) but now it is white! Hurray!! I am a bit obsessed about it really. We also got our tax return back and have managed to pay off some of our looming debt, very refreshing.

Tonight we went to a screening of "Invisible Children" it is about these children in Africa who are being abducted and forced to become child soldiers-- it has been going on for 20 yrs! Completely insane that it has been going on so long. We recently saw Hotel Rwanda in the theater and it was equally disturbing. The images and words just stick in my mind- what emotions they bring- all mixed, questions and disbelief. It makes me feel as though all that I hash through each day really is nothing- how blessed am I.

Safe 'Till St. Patrick's Day

2005-02-03T20:06:00.000-06:00

.. Listening to a little John Mayer tonight. Adam is at some event at Baylor and we are taping the State vs. Carolina game- so I am making a point not to watch it until he gets home- hence - the Mayer. (no, we don't have TIVO or DVR- we really are taping it- oldschool)

The past few days have been rather soggy- but today- a glimmer of hope, the sunshine! Makes me feel like a new person. Work has been slow this week- but it's been nice to come home at a fairly normal time. It makes more time to go to the gym and still have an evening to enjoy. I think that my theme song should be "Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend." If I had to choose one - for my life right now-that would be it. At least between the hours of 8:30-6:00ish.

It's the day after Groundhog Day- do you feel any different? Yah, me neither. But it never hurts to ask.

Last night at the gym, Adam and I were getting ready to leave and there was this man next to us. He and his wife were getting ready to leave as well- then he put on this grey sweatshirt. But not just any sweatshirt- an NC STATE sweatshirt! Holy Cow! We quickly chimed in that we were State Alumni. We had a nice chat. crazy!

I unlike probably most people did not watch the State of the Union last night- I opted to watch part of the Duke and Wake Forest game and of course a bit of TLC's "While You Were Out." Figured I could catch the highlights in the paper or CNN if I felt to left out of the loop.

What's your theme song?

Gosh! I Can't Think of a Title

2005-01-30T14:54:00.000-06:00

Adam and I went to see Phantom of the Opera yesterday afternoon. I really enjoyed it- but I kinda have a thing for musicals and love stories. I know-- complete sap- but I am a girl. I also want to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie-- I almost wish I had a small child so I wouldn't look so silly for wanting to go. Of course I would need to child to be quite and still during the movie and they must be returnable when the film is done. Guess I'll just wait for it to come out on DVD :)

We also ate at D's Chicken Delight yesterday- they specialize in fried southern foods and of course Mediterranean dishes-- because those naturally go hand in hand. I had gyro and Adam a falafel. It was good but just a bit much for me to eat.

Work has been fine- our W2's somehow got sent to Boston and because of the winter weather would not be delivered until later this week. So I had to get a new shipment of them sent to my home address on Saturday. UPS only delivers before noon on Saturdays. So needless to say I had several dreams throughout the night involving UPS. Luckily they arrived and are now safely sitting on our dining room table awaiting Monday's send out.

In other news- I read an article about a man in Raleigh, NC who had been violently struck by a truck and was presumed dead. Later on when the coroner was inspecting the body- the man was found to actually be breathing!! Caution to all of my Wake County friends- drive safely and look both ways before crossing the street- particularly Hillsborough street, Western Blvd. and Captial so that this will not happen to you!

I am eagerly awaiting March and the return of CoCo's Shaved Ice and Ice Cream. Yummm..

Sadly, I also have jury duty on Valentine's day- what a bummer!

Two roads diverged ...

2005-01-20T20:16:00.000-06:00

My boss and his wife recently welcomed a baby boy into the world. I find it so amazing how new life can pass a unifying wave of joy through people. It is such an exciting time.

I've been struggling lately with how to navigate my career path. I know that I am definitely ready to move on from what I am doing now- when our financial stability allows. I majored in public relations in college- and even while I liked -- I'm not sure that I love it- enough. Granted most people don't love their jobs. However, after working in a field I am positive I don't want to continue in-- I think I'm entitled to do something that I love. I really like photography and I've tossed the idea around of getting more into that- but that will also mean more school probably. I know that I don't want to be one of those people who just passes up opportunities or is 45 and still not sure about what to do with life.

Razzle Dazzle 'Em

2005-01-07T19:04:00.000-06:00

Sorry to the five of ya'll that read this for not posting lately. Here is a quick catch up:

* went home to NC for Christmas- we drove- not too bad- felt like nomads eating out of a cooler only stopping 2 times to pee in the span of 19 hrs crossing 7 states

* stopped at my parents' house first- lots of fun- tried on some bridesmaid dresses- ate dinner with the Jackster and Nick- went shopping- hung out with the fam- saw my ever so cute puppy Boomer

* 2 days later- next stop Adam's house- ate lots and lots of food- really good but not good for you food-- took some pictures- hung out with the fam- went to Ashville to hang out with a bunch of old college friends (great times)- did a good amount of sleeping in

* 3 days later- as Willie puts- On the Road Again-- this time 16hrs still 7 states- arrived home and pretty much slept all of the next day away

All in all, the trip was great I wish we could have stayed longer. Every time I go home I have a great appreciation for the beauty of North Carolina, I wish I could put it in a little bottle and just open it whenever I started to miss it.

Work has been bonkers lately- main reason for not posting. When I got back no one had touched my "job" in over a week- even though they were completely capable of doing so- maybe not as well but still.. so I had all of that to do in the span of 2 days because the end of the year was coming and it all had to be done plus every other company was going to be closed for New Year's.
This week was busy for a completely different reason- I've even had to bring work home with me at night - which is unheard of- I worked about 6.5 hrs of over time in the past few days. But at least I am getting good pay for it.

I haven't really set any resolutions for the New Year- there is always the stay in shape thing- but that's more of an on-going battle. Adam and I have set a goal though to dramatically reduce the size of our debt so I guess that would be my resolution/goal for the year. That and to get a Westie puppy :)

This weekend should be fun, we are going on an outing with Chris and Katie tomorrow to Homestead Heritage and then to the Waco Co-Op to kind of celebrate their 1yr anniversary- I'm looking forward to it.

A Day of Holding My Breath

2004-12-09T20:26:00.000-06:00

Today, was a challenge.

When I came home for lunch- I thought surely I would be unemployed by 5pm. One of my bosses had stepped all over and basically disregarded my total existence- but I felt that I had handled it well and just responded with "that's fine." Moments later I am walking down the hall back to my office and I hear him talking smack about me to another partner. I almost stuck my head in their office and said screw this I'm done.

Because here is the thing- this happens on a daily basis-- but today I just happened to catch it. So by some divine intervention I managed to make it to my office to cool down. For the next 3 hrs I spent juggling thoughts of should I say something or not. I've never been one to roll over and play dead- I am strong willed and I am not submissive. But in this matter it could mean my job, our source of income- that's alot to mess with.

I realized- that what I was feeling is what almost all the employees fill there now and have probably felt for since the history of the firm. So I went to one of the partners after lunch and basically unburdened myself. And surprisingly IT WENT WELL!!!! I feel that I not only expressed myself, but I gave a voice to all of us putting up with this daily abuse. At any rate, I feel tons better- but we will see what tomorrow holds.

On another note- I think I could listen to Damien Rice sing forever-- it's like he is narrating life in a strange, but oh so lovely way.

You Welcome!

2004-11-30T20:58:00.000-06:00

Bring on the Christmas lights!! our neighborhood is like one big multi-colored blur-- Adam and I are holding out on putting lights on the outside of our house- nonconformist unite! Other than that- not much to report- Thanksgiving at the Horton's went very well we had 10 people gathered round the table for a day of eating and hanging out- and I can officially say "yes, I know how to cook at 20lb turkey."

One thing I've recently noticed is that people often say "you welcome" instead of you're welcome. Everyday I talk to people from all over the country- and several of them say "you welcome." I even catch myself saying it -- just listen- I bet you'll hear people say it too. Speaking of work- I feel this overwhelming need to purge myself of all the pent up emotions that come with it. For eight hours a day I have to suppress my feelings - most of which are not great ones - and I need to some how get them out, because they are completely opposite feelings than what I have when I am at home. I have been going to the gym more in hopes of relieving some of that but also losing some weight. But I don't really feel like it is a satisfying enough solution...

Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

2004-11-20T10:32:00.000-06:00

Lately, I have Christmas songs in my head. I woke up yesterday morning humming "let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" and while the weather here has been somewhat frightful- it's only been because of rain and not snow. I do think however, this is the earliest I have ever started to think about Christmas.

It's possibly because it has been so slow at work that boredom has started to soak into my bones- by noon I secretly desire to be one of those people on the Coke commercials dance to the lyrics "I want to break free!" I do try to stay somewhat busy- I check my email about 70 times- I have started to love those junk mails so at least I have something to delete.

Thanksgiving is around the corner- Adam and I just went and bought the turkey for all of our guest we have coming over- it's 20lbs-- yikes!! But I have assured everyone if it tastes bad we can order pizza. We are very excited about having everyone over- kind of a place for misplaced people to go.

Adam and I are ordering our Christmas gifts to each other in the next week or so- we are getting a new iBook and a really sweet camera. No we aren't breaking the bank- it's a deal through the school so we get a wee break in price and have a payment plan. But I am super excited so that I can explore more of something I am passionate about which is photography

Something in the air

2004-11-10T19:15:00.000-06:00

I have had such lack of motivation to write lately- but it seems to me "lack of motivation" has been going around.

Had a busy few weeks with visitors at Hotel Horton- it was great to have Jack and Lydia here for their quick visit and it was followed by a refreshing stay by Mat. I made my first completely homemade apple pie and it was edible. Work was busy for a bit and now it has retreated back to the painfully slow mode- sigh the joys of the financial world! I did actually cut my hair- and I love it- one of my rare good rather impulsive decisions.

On a much less impulsive note, my sister Jen got engaged last week! I say less impulsive- because I totally saw it coming- to me it was like they were already engaged. But now that it is official I'm stoked for her and David- and can't wait to experience this new journey with them.

Adam and I went to the big D last weekend to see Chris Staples- it was fun and I was so surprised that there weren't many people there. For the opening band there were tons of people and this band was so terrible- I mean truly painful- my theory those people must have been relatives and have no really appreciation for good music.

I also realized today that I love that little moment of weightlessness you feel in an elevator when it starts to decent. that's all I got for now...

The Pink Elephant

2004-10-23T20:22:00.000-05:00

Today I took my first and maybe only trip to Crawford, TX. You know, the "Western White House." I was surprised at how tiny it was- population is in the field of 700- last time they counted-- which they might count quite often in hopes of bigger numbers- who knows. Anyway it is a cute little place with all it's main street shops- all 3 of them as well as the town hall and police station (which by the way- there was no one at)-- placed quaintly across from the railroad tracks and next to the only gas station/restaurant in town. You should go - just to see it.

We were looking around in the little stores- just browsing. Adam's parents were with us- so while they were more intently looking for something to purchase Adam and I waited outside. While I was sitting there I noticed something that didn't quite fit-- confetti on the side walk in front of this particular store. Not just any regular confetti- but rather elephant confetti, white elephants, purple elephants and pink elephants. I became very amused- not because I had just been to the Mayborne Museum and seen what the actual size of a Mammoth's head (related to elephants)-- but because these elephants were just for a political purpose. Someone didn't just step outside this store and throw some confetti to celebrate elephants.

I was amused- because some where- someone thought to make elephant and probably donkey confetti out of rather "girlie" colors. It is things like this - that make my stomach turn at the thought of American politics. Just these small details-- overseas people who are just trying to grasp freedom and democracy are more worried about dying and we are throwing confetti shaped as animals- but only elephants and donkeys.

It's October 17- and it's 91 outside!

2004-10-17T16:43:00.000-05:00

This has been a very long week. Work has just been really stressing me out. I feel over worked and extremely under appreciated.. I guess that is how most people feel when it comes to work. Usually though, I think that I'm a big girl and I handle it all well-- but not this week. One night I came home and was so frustrated I almost cried- and then it made me sick to my stomach to think of me crying over that place. So my hope is that this week will be better- if not I'm sure to need therapy!

This weekend was grand. We carved pumpkins on Friday night with Katie & Chris. Originally we had planned to go to the "Heart O' Texas" fair (sidenote: It really does bother me that they abbreviate the word of- really it is 2 letters long!) but it was going to cost way to much for to little. Saturday night we had some people over to watch the movie "Saved". It was great! I really recommend it- now brace yourself because it does have Mandy Moore it in-- but it was still good. When I encounter people and they find out that my husband is in seminary- they automatically assume that I would be like the character of Mandy Moore-- and frankly people this really irritates me. I hate preconceived notions-- grrrr.

On a much happier note- Adam's parents are coming down this weekend!! YAY! We are super excited about this- they will be our first overnight guests in our new home. Then on Thursday Adam's hometown friend Mat will be staying with us, so the next few weeks will be full of visitors and that makes me glad.

I've been thinking about cutting my hair short. Probably not way short- I love having long hair it just takes forever to dry in the morning, but I just can't fully commit to taking the plunge. My biggest concern would be that it would make my round face look rounder- and I would have to try to glue it back on. I'll keep you posted.....

I hear the music when I look at you...

2004-10-07T18:44:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official-- the crazy birds are back in Waco. Just imagine the ugliest and loudest bird ever... Now imagine them everywhere around you -- yes! just like the movie "the Birds". These things scare me - and they are swarming my office now in the evenings- soon I'll seem them everywhere and be forced to dash frantically to the car to avoid being pooped on...

Life has been good lately- busy though. Just got back from Jackie's wedding, it was really beautiful- it reminded me how much I really do care for her and miss her. Nick is great for her and I wish them the absolute best. And it was rumored they may come see us in good ole Texas! It was nice to be home in N.C. to see big trees and have nice roads- but as much as I felt comforted by the old sites, sounds and smells-- it just wasn't "home" any more. It was my family's home- I realized that my home whether I'm a fan or not is actually here in Texas or wherever Adam is--sappy I know.

Speaking of - Adam is in Atlanta right now at a conference. So I'm holding down the fort by my lonesome. It's not so bad- I've been super busy at work so that helps. I have been driving his car- I like driving it- it has keyless entry which is wonderful when it rains (side note: it's been raining everyday since he left). I have been listening to his "Mae" CD which is where the title of this post came from- I really like it- and it kinda makes me feel like Adam is still here- cheesy I know.

On a change of pace- I had a part time student quit on me this week. She called in at 7:45 and left a message that she was quitting! She had just been in on Monday and acted like everything was fine-didn't ask to speak to me about problems or anything- not to mention she was only working 6 hrs a week-- anyway- that made me pretty mad. So I called her back told her not to bother coming to get her check we would mail it and for her benefit- next time you quit a job- it's best to do it in person. What was she thinking!?

Today is Saturday

2004-09-25T18:31:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't posted lately- I haven't felt like I had much to say. Although I am happy to announce that I have inspired both of my sisters to start blogs. - Yay! go me.. anyway

Work has been strange this past week- we had been so slow that I feel like I've played more solitaire than anyone in the world-- but then all of a sudden craziness strikes- literally. Which is perfect timing since this week will be a short week for me. I'll be heading to the North Cak-al-lacky on Thursday morning- I'll be on a plane earlier than most people will be taking their morning whiz. I'm excited though- I need a little break. The sad part is Adam is not going with me - he has class and stuff then he leaves the Tuesday I get back for Hot-lanta for a week. So if you live in Waco-- become my friends so I won't be lonely.

I am also looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. Some of our friends aren't going home so I think we may have Thanksgiving here!!! This makes me VERY HAPPY!!! I really love having people over and love cooking- for other people, it's going to be super fun and fabulous!

More Texas Findings: In Waco- you can have a yard sale at any time-- and you will have people come. I used to think these things were limited to the weekend-- but apparently I've been completely fooled.

Also, spinning rims may be put on any vehicle- even a two-toned mini van. Just imagine the most ghetto car you have ever encountered-- here in Waco, you too can put spinning rims on it- it's like your car was on "Pimp my ride" (sidenote: I just found out that one of my bosses watches this show- wonders never cease) but only the wheels!

Movies to see: Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite and Finding Nemo (come on it's a total classic!)

The State of Continual Heartbreak

2004-09-16T22:16:00.000-05:00

I believe that part of my heart is forever is a state of brokenness. I struggle with if this is a good thing or not....

In a perfect world, I would think this condition would not exist. But here in the real world, I see a stray dog- it breaks my heart; I see a homeless person- even those that just want my money to buy beer- it breaks my heart; I see a woman on the evening news who lost her son due to war- her pain, her face-- breaks my heart; I hear a conversation of someone so full of hate towards another being- breaks my heart --- this could go on and on.

Other parts of my heart are full of such joy and happiness and so much love that it could burst- but I just have this one section -- completely broken. .....

The Weekend Rundown

2004-09-13T21:06:00.000-05:00

This weekend went so quickly. Friday we went to dinner with Wanda & Dan from Western Carolina. I always really enjoy when they come to visit- Wanda could tell me the same thing over and over- but each time would still feel like the first time I heard it. That is such a great characteristic to have. Saturday, Adam and I went to the zoo! It was great to be outside, doing something different- but it was pretty warm out there. Then we went to the grocery store....

This is where I completely led us astray. We usually, unashamedly buy our groceries at Wal-Mart. Well this week we got a flyer in the mail for Albertsons, and they had California Pizza Kitchen pizzas on sale. -- Sidenote-- I LOVE California Pizza Kitchen. -- So I came up with the brilliant idea to shop there this week, thinking maybe they are cheaper than Wally. Oh to my dismay!! We ended up spending more - and not even getting the pizza because we weren't "preferred customers." I am sorry Wal-Mart for doubting your low prices and that annoying yellow smiley face!

Saturday night we went out to dinner with our wonderful friends Michael & Kristen, Matt & Jennifer to dinner and then played the board game version of VH1 Pop-up Video -- yes it really does exist. Tons of fun was had by all---

So now it's back to work- working for the weekend--- today I was thinking I wouldn't be a very good school bus driver. You can only go so fast, people are always trying to pass you, there is always the chance a kid will barf on your bus and there are plenty of more reasons-- so at least now I know I can mark that off of my "things I want to do list" and put it on my " things I never want to do list."

A Day Off at NO Expense

2004-09-06T17:19:00.000-05:00

By some divine intervention, I actually had today off. This is the only non-large holiday I get off- I'm not completely sure that makes since, so I'll expand. I only technically get Christmas Day , Thanksgiving Day, New Year's Day and Fourth of July off- no day's before or after- and for instance this year, the 4th was on a Sunday- no dice on taking the 5th off. Of course I could always use my vacation time for those days...... Yeah. Therefore, getting Labor day off has to be an act of God. However, all is not as great as it would seem- because Baylor University doesn't observe Labor day!!! so Adam has class all day. But I have rather enjoyed not having to be at work today.

Yesterday Kyle gave a great sermon about forgiveness. His words still resonate in my mind. Forgiveness is hard- because letting go is hard. Even in daily conversations I hold or overhear- people are just angry, bitter or searching for something to be riled up about. Kyle brought up the point that forgiveness is neither excusing someone's behavior nor is it about forgetting- now those are almost unheard of concepts aren't they? Forgiving- letting go-- but still addressing the issue. How much happier life would be - how much lighter our loads would be if we could just really learn what it means to forgive.

High heels and the absence of Fall

2004-09-04T21:29:00.000-05:00

Today, I went shopping for a pair of shoes for an up-coming wedding. Of course I ended up buying more than one pair of shoes-- because- yes, I have a shoe obsession. Shopping by myself is not something I usually do- for some reason it's just not as fun when you are alone. At any rate, seeing all the new Fall clothes out made me really excited about Fall. But then I remembered I was in Waco- there is no Fall here. It goes straight from hot Summer to lukewarm Summer. However- I do get to go home (to North Carolina) for a few days- in the Fall!! for the aforementioned wedding. So now I'm excited again.

On another note- I absolutely love the Pepsi commercial about hot dogs & Pepsi http://www.pepsiworld.com/ads_and_history/