I feel stuck. Almost as though my life is moving in slow motion while the rest of the world speeds past me. I am not sure if it is because the weather is still so hot, and all of the fall/winter things are out in the stores. Or if it is just the strangeness that came to pass with hurricane Rita and the great central Texas freak out of 2005- or if it is because the days of Monday through Friday consist of pretty much the same repetitive actions for me.

I may have even stated this before but, as a child I often wondered just it was possible that my parents managed to get up everyday and go to work- everyday. Now that I am an adult and working to support my family- I truly wonder it even more. Was it just the since of necessity or the since of duty? Were they truly doing what they wanted to do as far as a career? I wonder if they really ever had that moment where they were free to chase their dream.

I was asked to speak about my job experience this Sunday in our "other side" class. Which is a class for people on the other side of undergrad. This entire week I tried to be very intentional about seeing outside myself as well as reflecting inwardly- about my job- what I hated what I loved and why it has been so particularly hard for me to work there. Most of the feelings I have toward that place are hard to verbalize- they are intermingled with one another- they try to coexist in my heart and seem to tugging at one another. I begin to feel that I am somewhat numb now to the things I see that I disagree with or things that confuse and astound me. At times I wonder if the voice I had so strong in the beginning is hoarse now and tired. I have suppressed feelings and thoughts for the fear of burdening other people or seeming like a cry baby. I know that most people don't love their jobs and that there are much larger things in life that need my attention. Of course when it came time for me to become vulnerable in front of these people I have grown to know as family- I found it harder than ever and actually broke down. The wall that I had been struggling to hold up that was keeping my frustrations at bay - crumbled.

Time is in this case truly on my side, every day that passes- is another to be marked off the list. This experience has given me courage and grace in ways that I never knew existed and I am blessed to have a job that pays our bills and allows us to not constantly worry about our state of survival. So until it is time, I will continue to smile and nod as best I can and pray on a daily basis - that much like my parents God will help give me the strength to get up everyday and go to work everyday- until the time comes to be able to follow my dream and close this door to this chapter of life.