So in the past few days I have come to the conclusion that I am a liar. Everyone will ask me, how are you? and I lie and say "oh, I'm fine, how are you?" Liar.

The truth is I am not fine, I am what could be described as an emotional train wreck. I am very angry, on edge, tired beyond belief, sad, slightly depressed, grateful, relieved, dumbfounded, exasperated and the list goes on.

This could be one of the worst weeks ever- if the show on VH1 was the worst week ever, you could bet your butt Adam & I would be on it this week.

On Tuesday afternoon, we arrived home to find our back door busted in. One of my biggest fears was now reality and my place of home, my place of safety had been invaded. I froze pointed and just said "door" Adam rushed in and once I heard Winston was ok I ran to the neighbor's house. My house had been raped- invaded, torn up-side down ~ my beautiful home that I and my husband WORKED hard to get, that sometimes go into the red to afford!

All they took, my camera. Which at first doesn't sound that bad. But this is my on the side, help to make ends meet or pay for unexpected expenses, money maker. (which I am actually still paying for) This was my, something I do ~ this is my life outside of work.

Thanks to great friends that are more like extended family we have fixed the door put new sheets on the bed, had safe place to sleep the first night and someone we trust to stay with Winston during the day.

I found out yesterday that the insurance company will only give me $500 for the camera because I used it for business purposes. The total value of all the took was around $1500-$1700. I am partly to blame that I don't have the serial number, in part because they even took the box that I got the camera in!

I spent part of yesterday trying to call pawn shops in Waco, only to be told that I would have to get a copy of my police report then come to each shop and then talk to management and be able to prove with out a shadow of doubt that the camera they had was mine.

Why is it that in this town it is easier for the bad guy- to steal, pawn, or sell your things- the things you actually worked for then it is for you to actually relocate those things? Now I know why there are so many pawn shops in Waco. The whole thing makes we want to vomit.

Also thanks to you, mr or miss or ms robber I can't sleep all the way through the night; I wake up when I hear a noise and try to hold my breath so I can figure out exactly what the noise is, without my breathing getting in the way. You have made me doubt the goodness of people, caused me to suspect things of people, you have made me angry which is not exactly good for a marriage nor my health.

On top of this my mother is now going to need surgery on her knee and I may need to go home to be with the fam. My sister is taking a trip to Germany for about 2wks, which will be fun for her and she could use some fun but will of course have me worried until she gets back. I have 2 weddings scheduled for this season and that brings along a whole other level of worry.

Not since October of 2005 have I ever been so angry, have I questioned why so many times, have I played the events of that morning in my head over and over finding all my faults and trying to figure out what could I have done different, could I have known, could I have paid more attention. One thing is for sure that the scar of this will also stay fresh, will also be open for a quick recall much like the one from October - it will continue me to question God and the fact that we live in a chaotic world where we have free will and why it is fair that people get to use their free will to make the lives of others suck. And it will continue to make me a liar by saying "I'm fine" because I am southern and that is what you do.