I feel stuck. Almost as though my life is moving in slow motion while the rest of the world speeds past me. I am not sure if it is because the weather is still so hot, and all of the fall/winter things are out in the stores. Or if it is just the strangeness that came to pass with hurricane Rita and the great central Texas freak out of 2005- or if it is because the days of Monday through Friday consist of pretty much the same repetitive actions for me.

I may have even stated this before but, as a child I often wondered just it was possible that my parents managed to get up everyday and go to work- everyday. Now that I am an adult and working to support my family- I truly wonder it even more. Was it just the since of necessity or the since of duty? Were they truly doing what they wanted to do as far as a career? I wonder if they really ever had that moment where they were free to chase their dream.

I was asked to speak about my job experience this Sunday in our "other side" class. Which is a class for people on the other side of undergrad. This entire week I tried to be very intentional about seeing outside myself as well as reflecting inwardly- about my job- what I hated what I loved and why it has been so particularly hard for me to work there. Most of the feelings I have toward that place are hard to verbalize- they are intermingled with one another- they try to coexist in my heart and seem to tugging at one another. I begin to feel that I am somewhat numb now to the things I see that I disagree with or things that confuse and astound me. At times I wonder if the voice I had so strong in the beginning is hoarse now and tired. I have suppressed feelings and thoughts for the fear of burdening other people or seeming like a cry baby. I know that most people don't love their jobs and that there are much larger things in life that need my attention. Of course when it came time for me to become vulnerable in front of these people I have grown to know as family- I found it harder than ever and actually broke down. The wall that I had been struggling to hold up that was keeping my frustrations at bay - crumbled.

Time is in this case truly on my side, every day that passes- is another to be marked off the list. This experience has given me courage and grace in ways that I never knew existed and I am blessed to have a job that pays our bills and allows us to not constantly worry about our state of survival. So until it is time, I will continue to smile and nod as best I can and pray on a daily basis - that much like my parents God will help give me the strength to get up everyday and go to work everyday- until the time comes to be able to follow my dream and close this door to this chapter of life.

I am eagerly awaiting cooler weather. Somewhere in my mind- I think if Fall comes then I can see more of the light at the end of the tunnel. While it is still a ways off- it becomes a small glimmer of hope- a sign of closure approaching. But it is still hot here and I mean hot not just slightly warm.

Fall is one of my favorites- the smells, the food, the friends. Just good memories.

Adam and I have been sort of stretching ourselves to lead more healthily lifestyles. We no longer eat red meat and rarely eat another meat. We have also tried to buy more organic foods, ask for paper at the store instead of plastic, conserve energy and even exercise more. It's not an easy adjustment- but it has been rather fulfilling. I find that we get several questioning looks from some of our friends and family. But overall I can tell a difference in us and it is a change for the better.

I ate my first sushi a few weeks ago- but just a veggie one- no fish. It was different and I was happy I took a risk in trying something new. We went to a Ranger's game last night with Tracey. It was fun, and we actually won so that made it even better. Next weekend I hope to start working on a desk for Adam- we bought an old door at the yard sell and I plan on converting it into a really cool desk- well hopefully.

I'll See You In September

It is so hard to believe that time has passed so quickly and it is already September. I wish that Fall was actually going to come to central Texas this year- but just as in years past - I am afraid that I am in store for a big let down. Mainly because today on my way home from work at 5:30 it was 100.

I got a new camera lens last week it has a range of 55-200 which is nice for staying out of the way but getting a nice close shot. I was super excited and even had the perfect chance to use it- my sister's wedding in NC. At first I thought this was sure to be a stressful few days as we had to cram several things in and try to please both our friends and families. But it actually went rather smooth- just with very little sleep. The weather was an absolute dream and the wedding was really sweet- unfortunately my hair made me look somewhat like a dinosaur- but my hair wasn't the important thing anyway.

Adam and I got to go back to Raleigh- which was great because we haven't been back in over 2yrs. I love that place- so many great memories and it's a large city with a small town feel- my ideal. I also got to see my old college roomie- Charity as well as one of my best friends Jackie (and hubby Nick). I would pretty much drop everything and move back to Raleigh in a flash.

Winston is officially a little less of man today- or more like there just won't be any little Winston's. I am such a baby because I cried when we dropped him off at the vet this morning. I just had this vision of him being so scared and wondering why I had left him. I was miserable all day. At lunch, I cried because he wasn't here biting my toes and barking at me. But he is home now and doing great- just a bit slow- which is funny to watch when he tries to jump on the sofa or run. If I am this way with a dog - I can't imagine when I take our kids to school for the first time! yikes.

All the images we have been seeing from the hurricane are truly upsetting. It is at times like this you just ask why- and there is no answer. There are people being bussed all the way to Waco for shelter- and the thought of not being able to go home for months or wondering if you have a home - it is unreal to me. What is even more heartbreaking for me is that those left behind in the cities were mainly the poor- some were just the stubborn- but many just the poor. Those who couldn't afford to leave or had no where to go- and now they are at wits end, confused and so scared. And yet I feel like people are just staring at the TV saying "oh, how awful" but there is no action. It is hard to determine in my mind which is more tragic- the event or the lack of action.